Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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