Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
