I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
