Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize