My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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