I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
