I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
