i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
