On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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