There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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