Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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