I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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