hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
