Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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