i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
