Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Congratulations! We have a period
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