i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
