the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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