nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
