The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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