Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
