I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
