At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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