I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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