the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
