I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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