the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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