Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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