theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
