I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
