I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
