If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize