You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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