sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
