He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
