DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
