yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize