Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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