I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize