you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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