you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
