I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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