She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
