Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
