i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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