your parents love me but you hate me
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
