I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
