Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
