I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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