My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
