I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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