They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
