if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
