Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
