Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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