Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
dude i'm inner monologue high
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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