Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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