I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
