i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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