my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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