It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
