Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
