If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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