You really coming over, don't trick.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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