Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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