omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
