made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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