If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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