Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
